The first day of the rest of my life…

Here I am embarking on a new adventure, feeling dedicated to myself and my goals of taking charge of my life and transforming into a healthier, happier version of me.  I’ve said my goodbyes to the current version of myself, the version that felt helpless and hopeless, the version that would “eat” her feelings, the version that was unable to love itself as well as others around her. Before I get to the triumphant story of what has pushed me to make a life change, I must give you a little back-story of how I got here.

This version of me was born in the wake of the biggest tragedy and loss of my life, my younger brother also my best friend’s, accidental death. I had never experienced such life shattering pain, to lose someone so close to you and at such a young age, the kid was only 19. I had no idea what to do and this downward spiral was my coping mechanism, turning off and checking out. I thought that by becoming cold that I was being strong, that I was holding it together for my family. I was also awkward when someone would ask what was wrong, and I would coldly answer through held back tears that my brother just died. Startled, they would offer condolences and ask if they could help in any way, and I knew that there was nothing in the world that could possibly help my situation, so I said no thank you and would run away to cry in a closet somewhere. I started avoiding people and they me, since they soon realized there was nothing they could do. I was a complete mess, for years, and as I’m writing this am falling to pieces trying to type through tears. It seems like yesterday that I got the news that he had been reported missing (since they had not yet found his body in the lake) from the Wild Horse Reservoir, where he was working as a park ranger. He passed away July 6th 2007.

I have had a lot of time as this version of me, and am ready to reclaim some of the traits I have been known for my whole life, and integrate them into the newest and best version yet. I want to smile again from ear to ear because I know I love my life. I want to be a dedicated friend and partner who is compassionate and fun. I want to be back in fighting shape and look and feel like a martial artist again. I want to have that sparkle that I once had when walking into a room, and feel like I could talk to anyone. I want to put my health, both mental and physical back as life-long priorities. I want to know that my life was great when my brother was alive, and that it can be great now that he is gone, and that I am glad for the time I had with him, rather than feeling sorry for myself for the time I didn’t.

We are all here for a limited time, and we need to make the best of it. I know that my body, my vessel, needs some major overhaul, but I needed to take care of my emotional being first and foremost before embarking on a journey to physical health and happiness. So without further ado, I encourage you to follow me for the next 12 weeks on my quest for health and happiness. I hope to share my stories of success, give insight to what works, and provide the tools necessary for others looking to take on a transformation challenge.

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